Introduction to the Dating Detox Day 5: Grooving the Inner Guru
You’re about to be re-introduced to what we feel is an extremely special part of yourself. When we start to rely on wisdom outside of ourselves as wiser, this part can be easily forgotten. We call this part the Inner Guru.
Throughout various traditions, the voice of the Inner Guru has been called heart, gut feeling, intuition, inner guidance, synchronicity, premonition, spiritual guidance and many other names. We feel that the common thread in all of these concepts is a tuning into guidance that does not live in the rational brain or ego.
So far in the detox, we’ve been looking a lot at our egoic mind. We’ve been practicing seeing ourselves and others as multidimensional beings, moving with loving intent toward the self, meditating on our feeling vision, nonjudgmental noticing of our beliefs, owning more parts of ourselves, and being intentional with our thoughts. These practices serve in unlocking the freedom of choice. The freedom of choice is so important to this detox because as crazy as it may sound, having more love in our life is actually a choice.
Today, we’re going to continue with what’s been practiced in prior days with one important addition: intentionally calling upon and listening to our Inner Guru. The Inner Guru is most easily accessed through the heart and intuition.
Even though this may sound totally woo-woo, there are actually studies proving that it is the heart which first receives and responds to intuitive information. That information is then communicated to the brain. Research shows that more accurate intuition can actually be cultivated as well. By practicing body-based mindfulness practices, our insula (a part of the brain associated with intuition) grows in size and becomes more active.
Today we'll take you through a process to make your heart and intuition a reliable tool in your love life.
But first, we want to say a little more about the inner guru.
Groove Your Inner Guru
We say “Groove your Inner Guru” because we feel that the most powerful source of attraction is your inner guru. With practice, you can actually re-wire your brain to consciously access your inner guru more of the time. Most of us make decisions based on pros and cons lists, overthinking, analyzing, or leaving the answers to some other guru, teacher, mentor, or friend. It is always the fear-based ego that makes decisions from those sources.
As Eckhart Tolle defines it, the ego is “a dysfunctional relationship with the present moment.”
So we've created the next few exercises to help change your relationship to the present moment into one that is more functional. You will actually groove new neural pathways to signal your inner guru’s wisdom more often so you can move forward, functionally, in your love life.
To us, our inner guru is the part that is always, always, no matter what, connected to the pure source that created us or unconditional love.
Like the law of gravity, you can always depend on your inner guru to ground you. Like the sun, you can always rest knowing that it is there even if nighttime doesn't let you feel it right this second. And like nothing else, making a decision from that place will always feel exactly and perfectly right on.
The wisdom of the inner guru can be accessed more clearly by adjusting your relating perspective from the ego to the heart + soul.
Our culture seems to encourage us to stay in our ego when it comes to dating. Not to offend the writers, but check out these two top-selling dating book titles: “Think like a guy: How to get a guy by thinking like one” and “The Game."
What could be more ego-driven than that? If I read this book and learn how to think like a guy, I'll have them all swooning at my feet?
In addition, our egos love to create an externally-imposed list of criteria with which to choose a partner. This list might include a particular clothing style, skin color, body build, profession, economic status, age, sexuality, gender, level of education, etc. The ego can easily categorize someone as “Hmm...there’s potential” vs. “Hell, naw. When’s this date gonna end?!”
Our feeling is that if dating is about finding love, then shouldn’t we be listening to our heart + soul?
It takes a brave person to favor their inner guidance system over the external influence of society. Find the courage to follow your inner guidance, and you’ll be led from a life of mediocrity, into a life of magic. -Karen Bell
"If you were utterly following your inner guidance, you would always be chasing your bliss, you would always be reaching for the best thought, you would always be reaching for the best memory or the best possible scenario. Following your bliss is following your inner guidance."
~Abraham Hicks, Philadelphia, PA 5/13/2002
No matter what we are explicitly desiring in the physical world, what we are always actually desiring is to feel better. Whether we’re doing drugs, working to make money, going on vacation, buying some new shoes, or seeking a relationship. It doesn’t matter. Our simple desire to feel better is disguised by the ego thinking we desire certain tangible things.
Research has shown over and over that people who make decisions from the rational, egoic mind tend to use pros and cons lists and actually end up feeling less satisfied with the decision. On the other hand, people who follow their intuition end up feeling more satisfied with more of their decisions. [If you wanna learn more about this, we highly recommend the book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell].
“Our world requires that decisions be sourced and footnoted, and if we say how we feel, we must also be prepared to elaborate on why we feel that way. I think that approach is a mistake, and if we are to learn to improve the quality of the decisions we make, we need to accept the mysterious nature of our snap judgements. We need to respect the fact that it is possible to know without knowing why we know and accept that — sometimes — we’re better off that way.”
Malcolm Gladwell, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking
So, today we’re going to start developing an ear for the Inner Guru by clearing our heart energy and encouraging our intuition. You'll know you're following your intuition because it feels better.
Following what feels better allows us to stop relying on conditions outside ourselves for satisfaction. For instance, if I practice feeling an ever-present condition of love within myself, the tangible conditions outside of myself become irrelevant. I can see someone who is angry and still maintain my sense of love. And interestingly enough, when I stop relying on external conditions for feeling love, the external conditions begin to shift. So, when I feel the love within myself and pass an angry person - that person may suddenly have the impulse to take a deep breath and then notice a flower in the sidewalk. This isn't just a hypothetical example either - this just happened the other day!
Here's an example of how ego-based decisions can block us from love, but decisions made from the inner guru guide us toward love.
When Chris first met Kendra, his heart immediately felt drawn to her. He wasn't exactly sure what it was - but her energy just seemed to totally resonate with his. However, he saw that she smoked CIGARETTES! His ego mind immediately went into judgement: "I could never been with someone who smokes." He associated smoking with not caring for your body, being weak and stupid. It was an immediate turn off. But some voice inside him said: "Look deeper." He opened himself up to her by seeing her as a multidimensional being. She was not just a smoker. She was infinitely more than that. Fast forward a few weeks when they were officially dating and totally in love - without Chris' prompting or complaining or anything, Kendra decided to up and quit. And they've been happily together ever since. If he had only listened to his ego mind - they would not be together right now. And by staying aligned with love - the external conditions [i.e. Kendra's smoking] changed with ease and flow. In hindsight, he is now able to see that all the breadcrumbs he has started to follow after his divorce were being followed by his inner guru. Like taking up dance, meditation, yoga, singing, group gatherings, etc. These were all things that he had NEVER been into previously. In fact, he judged most of it on some level. But now he sees that when he started listening - his inner guru pointed him towards each one in order to lead to Kendra.
Once we start to allow things to become markers and purposeful stepping stones placed before us, the path becomes clear. So this is not about forcing something to mean something or working hard to interpret…its simply noticing the stepping stones as they appear before you, holding the belief that the universe is working to align with your vision for love.
Heart Clearing Exercise. [allow 2-3 minutes]
We’re going to do an exercise to clear any cobwebs, blocks, ice – anything that is fogging up the vision of our heart. Especially if your heart hasn’t been used in a while when it comes to assessing others.
Stand with your feet planted about shoulder width apart. Notice your feet on the ground. Shift your focus and weight to your left foot and then slowly to your right foot, go back and forth feeling yourself firmly on the ground. Place your hands in front of your heart space about 6 inches away from your body. Close your eyes and start to sweep your hands in an up and down motion in front of your heart. Visualize sweeping away any energetic debris that may be clouding your heart. Start to sweep faster and faster while feeling the cleansing and refreshing of your heart. Continue to wash whatever away until you feel complete. We recommend setting a timer and doing this for at least one minute while breathing mindfully. When you’re done, visualize your heart as clear and shiny like the sun ready to communicate important information to you whenever you ask.
Ask the inner guru Exercise. [audio - allow 10-15 minutes]
This is an awesome process, so get ready!
Sit in a comfortable position. If it feels good, allow your eyes to close. Bring your attention to your breath. In your mind’s eye, maybe say “breathing in” as you breathe in. Say “breathing out” as you breathe out. See if you can visualize your breath coming into your body. Watch it as it’s released.
Now imagine yourself walking in the city. You look ahead and see a dark entrance leading down into the subway. You keep walking towards it and start to walk down the stairs. See yourself taking each step, one by one, down underground. Stepping down, stepping down, stepping down.
You’ve arrived at the last step and see the tracks to the left of you, people are waiting for the train on the right. You’re just in time because you hear a train approaching. Once it stops, you enter the train and see all kinds of fellow passengers. Allow yourself to see who is there. There’s people of all shapes, sizes, ages, nationalities, colors, wearing different clothes, different genders, etc.
The train starts moving. And you notice your attention is grabbed by one person in particular. What does this person look like? What’s their facial expression? What are they wearing? What do they smell like? How are they carrying their body? You decide to sit next to them.
As the train passes each stop – you notice that each stop relates to different aspects of your love life. There’s a stop for getting over a break up, divorce, dating, long term relationship, intimacy, attracting the love of your life, and any other aspect of your love life that you want to explore more. As you approach the next stop, you know it’s yours – which one is it? Just trust whatever comes to you first is the exactly right stop.
You look at the person you’re sitting next to, and you both silently decide to exit the train. Together, you begin walking up the stairs into the light of the day.
You emerge at the top at a beautiful, wide open park, where there’s an empty bench. You take a seat next to one another. And again, notice what you can about this person. Is it someone you know? Is it someone you’ve imagined? Are they young or old? What gender are they?
Notice yourself in relationship to this person – how do you feel while your next to them? What is your body experience? What’s your posture like? Your facial expression? Your breathing?
Now, you look at this person in the eyes and realize that you can ask them any question you want. Anything!
So, what’s the question you want to know. You know the stop your at. What do you need to know about that aspect of your love life?
You could actually simply ask: What do I need to know about this aspect of my life?
Listen to their answer with your full attention. Breathe as you listen.
Now, is there any other question? Again, you can ask any question. It can be a clarifying question or it could be another questions about your love life.
Just allow any question to surface knowing that the answer is right here for you.
Allow whatever they’re saying to you to find a closing for now. You look into this person’s eyes knowing that you can come back to this person anytime you need guidance.
You take one another’s hand, and stand up to do a little dance. Yep, that’s right. Just an awesome, don’t give a shit what anyone thinks, “I see you in me” dance.
You thank one another with this dance and let yourself dance wherever you want to now. You can trust that this person is no longer in shadow. Their wisdom can come to you with clarity when you need it.
You can imagine yourself dancing off into the most ideal place you can create in your mind. You might be near water, in the mountains, or in a cozy place at home. Wherever it is, find yourself in stillness there. If it feels good to you, take a breath that’s maybe a little fuller than usual. A little deeper. Find yourself sitting in a comfortable position. Watching your breath go in and out. Again, maybe say “breathing in” as you inhale and “breathing out” as you release.
Slowly begin to open your eyes. Allow the images of the room to meet your eyes. Allow the colors to greet you. When your ready, start moving your eyes up into the room, maybe moving your head around. Looking at where you are, here, right now.
Take your pen and paper and jot any notes that you feel were important from that journey. Know that the answers truly came from your inner guru – which appears in infinite ways. Know that you can return to this process and find another stop and another version of the guru to ask any question you want.
Today’s in-field assignment is going to be gearing you up for making an approach to someone you want to meet.
In the “Ask the Guru” exercise, remember how we spent a little time feeling into the impact the other person had on us? Well, that’s what you’ll be doing again…but in real life.
Make a point to pay attention when you’re interacting with someone today. It can be anyone – a coworker, a store clerk, a family member – doesn’t matter. But as your speaking with them, take a moment to oscillate your attention between the person and your body.
Things to notice in this person’s presence:
- What’s your posture like?
- How do your feet feel on the ground
- How do your head, neck and shoulders feel?
- What’s your quality or tone of voice when you speak with them?
- How does your heart feel?
- How do your eyes feel?
- What other sensations are present?
- Is there any particular emotion?
- What’s the general vibe you get from this person?
- How would you describe the general energy between the two of you?
Here’s an example:
I’ve run into an acquaintance at the grocery store. He appears constricted in his body. He doesn’t maintain eye contact as he speaks. I notice some energy in my chest – like my heart feels tight and faster paced than usual. My breathing feels shallow – so I’m having to be aware of slowing and deepening my breath. The general vibe I get from him is that he’s sweet-natured and nervous. The energy between us feels a little awkward and mutually insecure.
I’m speaking to one of my favorite baristas, whose telling me that it’s his last day of work before he bikes across Europe. I notice I’m standing tall, my feet feel grounded, my head feels slightly forward, my shoulders are back, my eyes feel bright and clear, I notice some excitement in my chest, my breathing feels even, and I just generally feel comfortable and engaged. The general vibe I get from him is that he’s excited and pretty relaxed in his body. The energy between us feels casual, safe, and genuine.
Ok…now your turn!
Go find someone and notice the impact they have on you. Take a mental note. For extra credit – do it with multiple people throughout the day!