Introduction to the Dating Detox Day 3: Own it Baby, Own it!
Today’s intention is about owning all parts of ourselves. It’s about feeling into our own wholeness – lost and forgotten parts, parts we’d rather not have, and even all the parts that are awesome [ because those can be equally as challenging to really own ]. One way to owning these parts of ourselves is by understanding that all people are reflections of one another.
This concept has its roots in the Native American tradition of the Great Smoking Mirror. It can be hard to recognize other people as reflections of ourselves at times because we may be more accustomed to seeing our obvious differences – the way we move, our appearance, voice, what we like to do, what we’re better at, what we’re worse at, etc.
It can also be hard to recognize each other as reflections because we might not want to admit that a teenager shoplifting cigarettes or our neighbor who nit picks about cars parked in front of her home has anything to do with all-put-together us. But as we’ll see in the next exercise – the teenager and the neighbor reflect a part that lives within ourselves.
The Great Smoking Mirror teaches that we’re all made up of energy, and all energy has the same potential as everything else. In this sense, anything that exists in human nature is naturally occurring and has the potential to occur within myself. So, who am I to judge, shun, criticize, blame, or hate?
Developing this kind of universal compassion can open your heart. And an open heart invites love to come streaming in.
Activity. [audio - allow 10-15 minutes ]
Listen, download, or read below!
Please grab a piece of paper, a pen, have a hard surface for your lap or be at a table, and you’ll also need a mirror. Really actually use a pen and paper rather than a computer [ lol...I know, your handwriting muscles may be atrophied like ours ]. But - handwriting can encourage more of yourself, your body movement, your style to come out. Handwriting can integrate more mindfully into your heart. Push pause on the recording if you need to.
Get in a comfy sitting position. Take a breath. Welcome to day 3. Feel your chest grow bigger as you breathe in. Then let it go. Breathe in. Let it go.
Consider one of your past relationships or a date. Just whatever is the first one that comes to mind is fine. You can repeat this process with any other relationships you wish later on.
Now really visualize this person. And if you could put one word of criticism on your experience of them, what would it be? Once you come up with it, write it down. [ A word of criticism might be how this person is partly to blame for the relationship not continuing. It might be what you didn’t like about this person. Or it could be the one thing you would have wanted them to change about themselves ]. Write down whatever word comes to you.
Now, here’s the tricky part.
- Say the word to yourself a few times. Take a breath and pause.
- Say the word as if it lives within yourself. So say, “I am ____” a few times.
- To take it to another level, look at yourself in the mirror, take a breath, and say “I am ____.”
Again, be sure to pause and breathe in between each sentence. Study any physical sensations that come up, any defensive voice that comes up, or maybe you have a complete block to feeling any effect of claiming the word as part of yourself. Any and all things you notice are totally fine. The key is in the noticing. Bring back that idea of non-judgmental noticing from yesterday. Remember, it is this kind of awareness that allows us to have freedom of choice about using the same old operating system or getting an upgrade if that feels better.
Before you start, here’s an example from Kendra’s life:
I once went on a date with a man who was soft spoken, he slumped his shoulders forward, and it felt like pulling teeth to get any kind of conversation going. It drove me nuts, and I couldn’t wait for the date to end. If I were to put my criticism of him in one word, I’d say “insecure.” When I did this exercise, I went through the steps. I said to myself “Insecure, insecure, insecure….” Then I said it from my own perspective, “I am insecure. I am insecure. I am insecure.”
I could barely say it without laughing. I didn’t want to say it! I noticed thoughts coming up in my mind arguing the statement “But I’m NOT insecure!” Then I looked in a mirror and said, “I am insecure. I am insecure. I am insecure…” I had to say it about thirty times before I could let it in.
I could feel on a physical level the constriction I have in my body, the tightness I hold in my jaw, how I force my shoulders back, my chest up, and my belly in. This is a way that I carry myself to deny the reality of feeling insecure at times. As I claimed the statement in the mirror, I felt myself become more relaxed. I felt tears right at the surface. I wanted to find that guy and give him a huge hug. In that moment I knew that my frustration about his quiet nature and collapsed posture was more like “Why are you allowed to show your insecurities, and I am not! Fuck you. You’re annoying!”
That one exercise has pushed my edge to accept my own and others’ feeling of insecurity. It has truly opened me up to so much more love. It feels so so SO much better than the pain I have felt judging someone. Because really what I was doing was judging myself.
Ok, let’s switch things up a little. Think up someone that you actually kind of put on a pedestal in your mind. Someone who you think makes the best partner, and it’s no wonder they attract love with ease.
Take a moment to write down a few words that sum up the character traits that in your opinion make them so damn lovable. Some character trait examples could be "attractive" "sexy" “generous” “affectionate” “kind-hearted” “outgoing” “friendly” “successful.” We’re going to ask you to do a similar process as above...
- Key in on one of the words you wrote down, one that stands out to you the most.
- Say the word as if it lives within yourself “I am ____” a few times.
- Now look in the mirror, and say “I am ____.” Own it, baby! Own it!
Again, breathe and pause when needed. Keep saying the word until you feel like you can say it without scoffing inside. Notice what bodily sensations are you feeling right now? Maybe you’re not feeling anything. Ask yourself if you may be blocking the words from really coming in.
You know the expression, “Takes one to know one”? Well, if you’re able to recognize something in someone else, it’s because you have it too.
Moving Meditation: Tiger Squats. [video - allow 2-5 minutes]
This move is inspired by a Kundalini exercise, but we’ve tweaked it a bit to make it even cooler. First, tense the muscles in your hands to make two claws. Inhale through your mouth with your lips puckered while coming up onto your toes and swinging your arms over your head in an arc shape. Then squat with your heals down, allowing your arms to swing back downward in an arc and breathing out.
Repeat this slowly at first to get your body used to the balance challenge. Do this movement for about a minute. Whenever you’re ready, pick up the pace to rhythmically sync the moves with your breath. This can deepen your connection to your power center. When you feel like you’ve built up enough heat and energy, stand straight up. Raise your arms up above your head as you take a deep breath. Hold it as long as you can, and bring your hands together. Exhale with a roar!
If you need to alter this movement for any reasons, please contact us. Some ideas are: doing it seated or not coming up on your toes but doing the same arms OR not swinging your arms, but doing the same lower body movement.
Print this out so you can reference it today.
During the day, see if you notice two people: one that is bugging you and one that you are somehow putting on a pedestal. When you come across someone who is bugging you, see what it is about them. Can you boil it down to one word like how we did in the mirror exercise?
Can you find that you actually have that similar quality? Or maybe you deny yourself the freedom to express that quality?
After you’ve identified the projection in yourself, see what it’s like to say in your mind’s eye “I am _____. I am _____.” Go through this same process with a person you put on a pedestal.
For instance, if I identify someone who I think is snobby, I would say: “I am snobby. I am snobby.”
If I identify someone who I think is sexy, I would say: “I am sexy. I am sexy.”