Introduction to the Dating Detox Day 1: Alignment
Ok, you’re at Day 1. Just a heads up...this unit is a lil' bit longer than the others so you may need some extra time and for good reason. We want to introduce you to a practice called the 1-minute BAM! It's a practice that's intended to be used first thing when you wake up. [We'll explain in the next lesson why it's called the BAM].
Lots of people say they don’t have time or patience to meditate. Some say they suck at it or don’t know how. Yes, sometimes it can be really hard to just sloooooooow dooooooooown. So, we created the BAM - a super short practice that has a lasting effect throughout the whole day. Which is why we suggest you do this practice early before any unhelpful thoughts or mindlessness has a chance to creep into your day.
The BAM is about creating a feeling and intention of connection with yourself and others. And truly - that's what dating is too [or at least...it can be].
Before we get into it, we want to share a little story with you...
A friend of ours has spent the last year in India. She says that one of her favorite things is to go to the marketplace every day. She says that the best part is watching elephants carrying goods to be sold. As these humongous creatures tromp through the narrow street of vendors, they annoyingly reach their trunks out and grab at the vendors' foods and items - unless they have a stick in their trunk.
When the elephant’s caretaker gently places a stick in its trunk, the elephant walks completely straight through the marketplace. If the elephant drops the stick, the elephant immediately starts wandering and grasping at things. But then the caretaker simply replaces the stick, and the elephant walks straight again. Ultimately, when the elephant has a stick in its trunk, it gets where it's trying to go.
We like this as a metaphor for mindfulness practice.
Our minds wander. The way that our minds wander get rehearsed over and over again starting very early on. It actually gets wired into our brains as strong neural pathways so that our thought patterns, beliefs, and resulting behaviors are practically reflexes by the time we’re adults. From an evolutionary perspective, this developed because it's more efficient to not have to think hard to figure every single thing out before we do it - especially if it's something we do often.
This way of being can actually become extremely inefficient and honestly, kinda tormenting at times if we're maintaining neural pathways for mind wandering that are unhelpful.
BUT! If we could just have something that grounds us in the present moment, like a “stick,” we could be much more likely to walk a path that feels deliberate and free.
So the BAM is going to be your “stick” for the next 8 days. If you ever feel distracted by your mind's unhelpful wandering, become like the elephant’s caretaker to yourself. Simply re-place your awareness on the experience of your morning practice [the BAM], and carry on from there.
If your dating and love life have not been going the way you want them to, there's a good chance that your mind is wandering in unhelpful ways. [Do you ever have thoughts like this: "Dating sucks." "I'll never find love." "I'm not good enough to be a partner." on and on].
Well, if you keep thinking those things, then they're sure to become beliefs, and when you believe something hard enough, it becomes your perceived reality. In essence, the BAM is practicing a new way of thinking to create new beliefs to create a new reality.
And again, the BAM has a special placement first thing in the morning so that you are aligned with love right from the start. This will make a new way of being more accessible throughout the day and ultimately keeping you on course![/fusion_text][fusion_text]Looking at the images below, the main difference is that in order to create a new reality, we gotta first NOTICE our thoughts and feelings in order to CHOOSE something new.
This lesson outlines the three foundations of the morning BAM and talks a little bit about why it works.
In our research, we've found that these three practices can make anyone become magnetic when it comes to attracting love. Here they are:
- Being aware of yourself and others as multidimensional beings.
- Acting with self-love by moving in a way that feels awesome and nurturing to you.
- Meditating on your feeling vision.
We’d love to share with you probably the most transformative realization in our own lives:
Getting what we want is dependent on aligning ourselves with the feelings we want to feel.
In other words, the reason why we want things in the first place is because we think they’re going to make us feel a particular way. But if we can’t conjure up the feeling in the meantime, chances are we won’t get what we want. So, the foundations of the BAM are to help you align with the feeling of love and therefore - get it!
If you're more of a skimmer or feel like you're understanding all this - go ahead and skip to the next lesson. If you're like, "Say wha-?!" then read on!
Just align myself with love and then I’ll attract more love into my life?
Yep! And as corny or woo-woo as it sounds...it doesn't seem to be that way for professional athletes. The concept of aligning with the feeling of what you want is actually used by lots of people without being conscious of it. But let's take a look at professional athletes.
Each one is paid millions of dollars to win the game. And do you know what takes up the majority of their training time besides the physical stuff? Visualizationand positive self-talk.
Athletes will visualize what it feels like to make the plays. They’ll practice feeling confident because of their encouraging inner dialogue. Before a game, they align themselves to the outcome of winning to the point that they feel the win as if it’s happening now.
This concept can be applied to attracting love. If I look at love as something I need to try to find, then already I’m in a place of not being aligned with love. “Trying to find love” implies effort and lack.
There are many other ways I may not be aligned with love. For instance, if I have some bitterness toward my ex-partners... if I believe that all the good ones are taken... if I allow my inner critic to hijack my internal experience... then I’m not in a feeling place of love. I’m not aligned with love. And as a result, I probably will not be able to attract love with ease. The next 3 lessons are a deeper dive into the three foundational principles of the BAM…
Assignment: Throughout the next 8 days, we are going to ask that you practice the BAM to get aligned with love first thing in the morning.
The BAM: Foundation 1
Here we're gonna talk about the first foundation...
Be aware of yourself and others as multidimensional beings.
It seems to us that difficulty, judgement and resistance come up when we are overemphasizing a particular dimension of our being or of someone else. The dimensions we’re talking about include the emotional self, the mental self, spiritual self, historical self, physical self, energetic self, relational self, sexual self, etc. There are so so SO many dimensions to all of us. They are all present all the time - but they are not necessarily overtly expressed all the time. And sometimes they're expressed but not picked up by another person for whatever reason.
So, let’s put this concept into a real life situation.
I’m going through my day, and I’m overemphasizing my mental self because my job requires a lot of thinking. Then on my way home, I stop at the grocery store, grab my items, and leave. During my time at the store, I passed 10 people without even knowing it because my focus was on the mental task of checking off my grocery list and about a thousand other thoughts that weren’t relevant to the present moment. Additionally, my mental self tends to be more critical of others. So the people I did notice were filtered through snap judgements like, “That person is moving so slow!” In being this way, I missed out on opportunities to connect, expand, and feel more of my aliveness.
On the other hand, what's it look like when I practice being aware of the many dimensions of myself and others?
When I go to the market, I am aware of my emotional and energetic self when I pass a pumpkin and get really excited that it’s Autumn. I become aware of my spiritual and historical self when I pass a person whose walk reminds me of how my grandmother walked. And if I’m well-practiced at all this, I can actually become aware of all the dimensions at once when I begin a conversation with the person behind me in line. We are laughing through our emotional self, feeling warmth through our physical self, feeling a spiritual oneness, and so on. Suddenly, a mundane task such as grocery shopping has opened me up to a fun, heart-centered, deeper experience. And maybe I just found someone I want to… ask on a date!
The best way we think you can implement this way of being is by coming up with a short sentence that kind of encapsulates it.
Here are some examples from our clients:
"I intend to be with and acknowledge the wholeness of me and the wholeness of you."
"I am you and you are me."
"I see you."
This is the one that we generally use. We called it Looping Love. It's something from our volunteer work with Turning the Wheel - a Boulder non-profit that creates awesome movement and creative arts programs for kids of all ages. How it works at Turning the Wheel is this - some days I might come into the class kinda dragging. And if there's a kid that's just not listening or disruptive or whatever, and I find myself annoyed - I basically "loop love" between the kid and myself. I actually visualize a figure 8 between the two of us with this energy of appreciation and compassion going to them and then back to me, to them and then back to me. It's been like magic - as soon as I do it with the kids, they either stop doing the annoying thing, or I stop being annoyed - or both! And then I use this all the time now out and about. So if someone does kind of a shitty move while driving or if I think someone's in a bad mood, I'll loop love between us.
Assignment 2: Now it's your turn. Come up with a sentence that's short and easy to remember when you're in a social situation.
The BAM: Foundation 2
Let's talk about the second foundation...
Act in a way that represents self-love.
Our bodies can be ignored. Our bodies can be shamed. We can override our body's signals. But our bodies are the physical container of the self. Overtime, what do you think these patterns communicate to yourself? Probably not "I love you!"
SO! This practice is about showing love toward yourself. Pretty much anything goes for this as long as it feels awesome to you. If a yoga pose feels awesome, do that. If lying on the ground and tending to the movement of your breath feels good, do that. Whatever you do - do it with the intention of loving yourself.
There are infinite ways to move that could feel totally nourishing, so we invite you to experiment over the next 8 days with a variety.
Need some ideas?
One of our favorite ways to move that represents self-love is self-applied touch. Kendra's graduate research was on the benefits of self-applied touch. Self-applied touch offers a unique experience of both touching and being touched. Ever heard of oxytocin? It's the feel-good chemical that's released in your body when people touch each other, and the research strongly suggests that it's released even when we're touching ourselves.
So give it a try! You can expand the experience by paying attention to your hands feeling the skin, bones, and curves while simultaneously paying attention to those parts feeling the touch of your hands. Squeezing, caressing, tapping, holding… these are all ways you can apply touch to your own body. Mmm-yeah!
Other self-love movements:
Holding a hand over your heart and belly, rocking or swaying, dancing with your spine...
Did you know that just by changing your posture, you can change your entire biochemistry? Yeah, studies show that people who stand with their arms stretched out overhead [kind of like the move an athlete might make after winning a race] actually releases dopamine - another feel-good chemical. So, it's a natural, simple way to start off your day feeling awesome.
[You can play around with some movement right now, or wait until the end of this unit for the audio where you'll be guided into some movement]
The BAM: Foundation 3
Here we're gonna talk about the third foundation:
Get in touch with your feeling vision.
We call it a feeling vision because it is a vision that is so clear, you can actually feel it! Your feeling vision requires intention. In order to reap the benefits of it, you’ll need to develop awareness of old thought patterns so you can then consciously choose your feeling vision if unhelpful thoughts start to creep in.
And don’t hold back when creating it. Your feeling vision is going to feel so magnificently, amazingly, yummier than the old way that you’ll get to a point of being able to stay in that space the majority of the time.
We'll guide you through the feeling vision in the audio at the end of this lesson. But first, let's do a written version of the feeling vision. These are all simply suggestions, you can create your own version.
The BAM : Guided Exercise and Audio ( allow 32 Min )
In this lesson you'll find a review of the BAM foundations, points to remember, and an audio that will guide you through the process...
The foundations of the BAM are as easy as 1,2,3:
- Being aware of yourself and others as multidimensional beings.
- Act with self-love by moving in a way that feels awesome to you.
- Meditate on your feeling vision.
Points to remember:
- Practice this each morning
- If your mind wanders, just notice with compassion and then gently bring your attention back to the BAM practice
- This practice sets the precedent of being intentional with that vision each day
- As you practice throughout the 8 days, know that you are becoming an effortless inspirer of more love in your life
- You can listen to the guided audio each day or you can just create it on your own [we recommend trying the guided one first just to get into the flow of it!]
BAM Guided Audio
We’re going to walk you through a powerful meditation that utilizes all of the components of the the BAM!!! This is longer than the 1-minute practice that you’ll be doing each morning. But on day 1, we wanted to help fuel your inspiration for creating your own.
Guided Meditation Audio
Audio Transcript: For those who want to lead themselves.
Sit or stand in a relaxed way that feels natural for you. You don’t have to look or hold yourself in any particular way. Just whatever feels best to you is perfect. Please remember that everything here is simply an invitation. Absolutely alter the guidance in any way to make it your own.
Close your eyes or have a soft gaze. Bring your awareness to your breath. in. out. in. out. Noticing the natural rhythm here. No forcing or effort. Just pure trust in the organs and cells creating the process of breath.
You are starting a journey. You have made the choice to start fresh in your love life. It’s important to realize that each moment, you are starting anew. Even on a microscopic level, cells are being released and born every single moment. This meditation is about consciously visualizing this cycle, and putting particular focus on infusing each cell with the feeling vision of the love you are wanting.
Now, place your palms together in the space in front of your heart, and begin to rub your palms together. Keep rubbing your hands, faster and faster. Breathe in. And out. Release any tension in your jaw or shoulders. Keep rubbing, more and more vigorously. Breathe in and as you do, see if you can visualize your breath. Try even giving it a color. What’s a color that seems like it could carry the nourishment of love through every cell of your body?
Keep rubbing your hands together. And imagine with each inhale that the color of your breath enters your nose and travels all the way down to your feet. Imagine that the essential feeling of love is being carried through the color of your breath and that as you are rubbing your hands together, you are actually building the energy of love. Rub rub rub. faster faster faster.
Now, stop abruptly and separate your hands about 5 inches apart. Do you feel that? What do you feel? Do you feel energy? Tingling? Warmth? Imagine that all of those sensations make up the purest vibration of love that there is. And see if you can feel a tingling in other parts of your body. Maybe even in the air around your body.
As if this loving energy is in your hands, and can be absorbed by anything it touches... slowly and mindfully bend at your waist and bring your hands to your feet. Really feel your hands contacting your feet and your feet contacting your hands. How do your feet need to be touched right now. Breathe in that colorful, loving breath. Breathe out. Send that love through your hands to your feet. Tell your feet, I’m infusing you with love. Really, say that in your mind’s eye, “I’m infusing you with love.”
Now let your hands travel up to your ankles and calves. Again, imagining the purest love energy coming through your breath in color and pouring out your hands to anything they touch. All of your cells fully absorbing as you massage your lower legs. Breathe in and let your hands follow the contours of your body, really feeling the bones of your knee, the hardness of it, and asking “How do you want to be touched?”
Follow your hands impulses and curiosity as they move into crevices behind your knees, over softer tissues in your thighs, allow your fingers to squeeze or your palms to push or even use the back side of your hands to gently stroke.
Breathe in deeply, the color that you imagine, such a vibrant, pure color of love and spend some time bringing that love to your hips now, imagining all the beautiful cells that make up your sex organs, the bone structure of your pelvis that protects it all.
Bring your hands around to your backside, placing your hands on the base of your spine, breathe in, and see the loving feelings shoot up in bright light through the length of your spinal cord. See the light swirl in colors all through your torso, around each organ, kissing each area, bringing rejuvenation, vibrance, blessings of health to all the cells there.
Try placing your hands over your belly. You can even try putting a little more pressure while you circle your hands clockwise over this area. Imagine how the organs feels inside of you, getting attention like this, moving energy around.
Bring special attention to the area of the heart. Keep your palms flat and firm against your chest. Visualize the loving energy as being breathed in through color and directly poured into the heart, watch it as it circulates through the different cavities and valves, and then see the color surge into the arteries, pure love is coursing through your bloodstream into every single capillary all throughout your body.
Now massage your hands all throughout your chest area, massage and squeeze under your arm pits, move your hands to your shoulders to squeeze from your upper arms all the way down your forearms. Ask your arms what kind of touch would feel good to them. Massaging and squeezing? Tapping or patting? Gentle caressing with your fingertips? Try out several different ways.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Bring your hands together and let one hand massage the other. Use some pressure in the webbed skin between your pointer finger and thumb. Breathe in. Breathe out. Now let the other hand be touched. Use some pressure in the webbed skin between your pointer finger and thumb. Breathe in. Breathe out. Now try touching the palm of your hand with just the tips of your fingers. Switch hands when it feels right to you. Allow yourself to fully feel your own loving touch.
Now bring your hands to your throat. Breath in. And as you breathe out, slowly let out a sigh or a hum. Let your hands feel the life of that vibration.
Start moving your hands behind to your neck and shoulders. Hold your touch in an area there that feels like it needs extra attention. Hold your touch there as if you are listening with your hands. Ask, in your mind’s eye, “What do you want to feel right now?” Breathe in. and out.
Follow the curiosity of your hands as they explore your skull. Watch your fingers discover indents, hard areas, and flat spots. Feel your hair with your hands. Maybe even grab your hair and pull it slightly, imagining space being created for more love to flow through.
See the colorful love energy dipping and diving through the chambers of your skull and among millions of neurons.
Bring your fingers to your face, pushing in on the cheeks, beside the nose, along the teeth and jaw, pull at the top of your ears and the bottom of your ear lobes. Breathe in and send love and colorful breath to all of these areas. Bring your fingers to your eyes and feel the details of the bones surrounding them. Push into your brow and forehead.
And now, stretch your arms up and out, above your head. Reach your arms to your sides and visualize the energy of them extending way beyond their physical form. Breathe in the loving colorful light, watch it circulate from the air into your body down to your toes and back up again through the base of your spine all the way through the crown of your head and breathe out, watching the colorful light extend in all directions around you, offering your love to anything you want.
Now that you have intended your cells to be infused with love, bring your arms down to your sides. Stand there anew. Feel how you want to stand. Feel length in your spine. Feel strength in your legs.
Now, we're going to go into the feeling vision part of the meditation. You're welcome to sit for this part.
Your feeling vision is what you are wanting to attract in your love life. And the way to get ready for what you don’t already have is to focus your attention on what you DO have that creates the feelings of love within you.
So right now, see if you can let images of how your life is already abundant with love and feeling love come to you.
First start with images of nature that you just love. What’s the landscape? What’s the weather like? Notice the feelings that come with those images. Let images of animals come to your mind. With those images in mind, see if you can give all of nature and the power that created it love.
Now bring in images of people - any family, friends, acquaintances, or co-workers that fill you with feelings of appreciation or love when you’re with them. Focus your attention on the amazing beingness of those people. Feel the feelings that come up when you are connecting with them heart to heart. Visualize one of these people hugging you - how does that feel in your body? Visualize one of these people smiling at you - how does that feel in your body? Visualize one of these people laughing with you - how does that feel in your body?
Feel the expansiveness of being co-creators together in this crazy life experience. Acknowledge them as multidimensional beings. Each person is so much more than is apparent in any given moment. Everyone has so many levels of being - energetic, sexual, mental, emotional, relational, historical. Ask your essential self: Guide me towards awareness of all the dimensions of every being today. Let your mind shuffle through images of people in your life, and send them love.
Imagine yourself now...imagine your purest, loving, loveable, magical, awesome self. Acknowledge yourself as multidimensional. Repeat these phrases to yourself if they feel true for you: I am not just my physical body. I am not my thoughts. I am not just my past. I am not just my emotions. I am all aspects of beingness. I am expansiveness. I am love.
Take a moment now to allow any of the feelings you envision with the lover you are attracting. Imagine that this lover has come into your life. They are here with you now. How do you look when you have this lover? What's your facial expression like? How are you carrying yourself? How do you walk? What are you both doing together?
Let your imagination conjure up images of things you might do together.
What does it feel like being with this partner?
Do you feel warmth? Inspiration. Touch. Clarity in communication. Being seen. Being noticed. See if you can feel these things as if they are happening right now. Feel what it’s like to feel attractive and wanted. Feel the feeling of total trust, security, groundedness. Feel what it’s like to come home to someone. Feel what it’s like to cook with someone, and eat a meal together.
Let yourself continue imagining whatever you desire in this dream love life.
These feelings are already here. Your heart and soul are aligned with pure love, pure magic, pure light. There’s nothing about you that needs to be fixed. There’s nothing broken. You are whole. You are perfect. You are made of love.
Now take a long, slow breath in. Breathe in breathe in breathe in all of the beauty, all of the magic, all of the peace and freedom. Hold the breath at its fullest expansion for a second or two. And then exhale with a sigh, just let any sounds out that need to be released. Let's do that again if you want - breathe in breathe in breathe in all of the beauty, all of the magic and love. Hold the breath at your fullest capacity, and then exhale with a sigh or whatever sound you want.
Now, just to make sure any stagnant energy that’s not serving you is completely released, come to standing if you can, and begin to tap your body with the palms of your hands. Alternate your hands very rapidly...little quick and firm love taps. Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap. Faster faster faster. Tap your shoulders. tap your chest. tap your butt. tap your thighs, down to your ankles, quickly tap back up again to your chest.
And then slow down your tapping over your heart. Breathe in. Slow the tapping into a rubbing motion over your heart. Breathe out. Slow your breathing. Breathe so that you can hear it. Exhale so you can hear it. Stop your hands and hold them over your heart. Listen. Watch. Feel. Trust. Know. You have officially and consciously infused every cell of your being with love. You have actively practiced aligning with your feeling vision. You have acknowledged yourself and others as multidimensional beings, and you have asked to be guided towards holding yourself and others in that light at all times today.
In this state, you are attracting only that which is in a similar vibration. You’ve got this! Now go out and feel the day!
Assignment 3 In Field: Find an unsuspecting person, and intend to see this person as a multidimensional being. Name all the dimensions you can sense in them – energetic, sensual, spiritual, emotional, mental, and so on. What’s the general vibe this person exudes?
Create a loop of love by visualizing a colorful figure-8 of energy between the two of you. In your mind’s eye, say to them and yourself: “You are pure love. I am pure love. Love is all around you. Love is all around me.” Just keep repeating this looping of love until you feel the magic.
p.s. Feel free to totally make up whatever you want to say if the above phrase doesn’t feel right.