So I am laying on my sofa relaxing after a full on active day and the phone rings. It is not a number I recognize but my whole body says answer it, so I do. The voice asks is this the help line? Curiously ,instead of saying no you have the wrong number I ask what kind of help is he looking for? He says he had something happen last night and he needs to talk about it because he can't stop thinking about it. Instead of getting the university's help line like the caller thought, somehow he got me.
In a strange twist the universe decided to connect Stephen with me Chris DeCicco a dating coach, and relationship and intimacy guide, who happens to be an lgbt advocate and a being who the fuck you are kinda guy. I had to laugh at the irony of it.
The guy is a 20 year old virgin who just had his first full on sexual encounter and was feeling a lot. Shame, Doubt, Confusion, Fear, Pain, you name it and he had it all on the lower end of the Emotional Intelligence scale. He starts apologizing profusely about disturbing me while at the same time being embarrassed out of his head about wanting to talk about what he did. My instincts told me that he sounded just enough desperate to maybe do harm to himself. I told him I was willing to listen and shared what my background was with a reassurance that would hopefully keep him on the line. He probably apologized 10 others times throughout the conversation for taking my time up and away from my girlfriend and not wanting to be heard.
When you ask for help and someone says yes then trust that they mean it and proceed.
He told me how he had met an acquaintance in his social circle at various parties. The guy was friendly and open. Then last night they got a little wasted at a party and the guy asks him if he wants to go up to his room and share his private stash. Already buzzed and a little drunk they go to his room and smoke some more off the bong. That’s when it happens he says. They both started to touch. He was feeling the attraction and desire and went for it in the moment. They explored all night, did everything and then the panic set in.
He wanted to get it all out in the hope he would feel better and not be having constant thoughts about what had happened. He was feeling like he could not switch it off and be back to normal. I asked if he would be willing to pause for a few moments and just breath. I explained if he could focus his attention on the sensation of breathing in and out for a few seconds he could slow down the thoughts. The beginnings of mindfulness and the relief he was looking for. Through more questions and conversation I was able to determine what was troubling him the most. I had some sadness come up for me. Sadness that we have so much fear instilled in us about being who we are. Sadness that we think we have to hide our joy. Sadness that sex with another can be demonized when every fiber of my being knows this is how we are born. Born to feel good and enjoy our bodies with other human beings.
It boiled down to judgements and thoughts. What he thought of himself, what others would think, what it might mean.
I said instead of thinking for a minute, I asked what was he feeling? Feelings beyond what he was conditioned to think. What others would think. He said he felt enjoyment and pleasure. No one was forced or tricked. They had used protection. He felt like he might want to talk to the other guy and see how he felt. He felt relief and the knowing that it would be ok.
Focus on the thoughts you want to think and the emotions and feelings that you intentionally created.
I told him that he created the experience because he was ready. He created the universe bringing us together to tell him that he is perfect as he is. That life is for living. Living free to be ourselves and sharing that self with others.