My eyes slowly peel open into a blurred version of a room. Turning my head on the pillow as quietly as possible, I face towards...Fuck! Who’s that? I scrunch up my face in partial disgust but also in my efforting to dig through a substance soggy mind for literally any images of the night before. Nothing. Verrrrry sloooooowly and carefully, I slip out from the covers and look down. Shit. I’m naked. That was me a few years ago in my pre-conscious life as a not so spiritual single. Yep, there were times when I really didn’t know if I had sex. I was on something literally every single day at that point: food, alcohol, drugs, men.
I didn’t know how to be in my body. I didn’t know how to relax. I didn’t know the possibility of internally, self-manufactured joy. I couldn’t relate with other people or myself unless my mind was in an altered state.
But one night after an ecstatic dance, I had an “aha” moment. Not the kind that you have really intensely and the revelation from it fades within an hour. No - it’s stuck with me every single day since.
As I walked out of the dance hall, I noticed that my hair was wet and curly even though I had walked in with it straight. I thought, That’s so cool how it just wants to do that and does it. I looked up at the sky. It seemed like there were more stars than ever from a city view. The moon was white, bright, and haloed in faint rainbows. I spontaneously launched into tears. This body is a miracle! I thought. This body is so fuckin’ cool! I looked down at my torso - home to so many complex organs and processes. How did I get so lucky?
The whole drive home memories surfaced from how I used to be. As each memory surfaced, I thought, How could I consume that? How could I have unprotected sex? How could I have sex with someone I just met? And it’s not like I was beating myself up with these thoughts. They were simply curiosities. Genuine questions to myself. How could I…?
When I arrived home - I drank some water, visualizing every single cell lighting up. I brushed my teeth and smiled at myself in the mirror. I took off my clothes and swept my hands down my arms, up my legs, over my genitals, and rest one on my belly and one over my heart. This is my earth suit.
Ever since then, I decided - amongst many other decisions - that I would always have a super conscious conversation before having sex with anyone ever again. My old story was that having a sex talk was being overly dramatic about it all - but after two of my friends have died due to sexually transmitted disease and sexually transmitted illness - a conversation on the front end sounds like lying in a hammock and looking at cloud shapes.
In my passion as a dating and relationship coach, sex inevitably comes up. And while I don’t judge people for having sex while on something or having sex with someone they just met - I feel like fireworks shoot off and a parade with a marching band circles us when a client tells me they had the sex talk early in dating someone.
Chris and I have been working our matchmaking magic lately - and yesterday one of those new couples announced: “We’re going to planned parenthood to get tested!” They said it like: “The Broncos won!” - so the fireworks and band commenced in my mind.
By making this decision, these two people are starting the relationship with a strong precedent. They are communicating: “You are worthy” to every single cell in their body. They are claiming their self-worth to their new partner. They are acknowledging the worthiness of their new partner as well.
By making this decision, these two people are upping their own vibration and even the vibration of the entire planet! This would be the part where I could put the statistics of how many people have STDs/STIs, but I won’t because I don’t think it’s something to talk about from fear or judgement. Besides - who am I to judge someone with an STD/STI when I totally could have gotten one in my past.
Having an STD/STI doesn’t make you a reckless, unconscious person. It doesn’t even mean you’ve had unprotected sex. But to me, it does mean talking about it to potential sex partners.
The sex talk goes way beyond STDs/STIs as well. This is a talk to get clear on each other’s vision and intention: Is sex a spiritual experience? Can we start by taking in each other’s body visually and tactile-y one part at a time? Let’s agree to communicate what we don’t like as we go. Let’s agree to make it clear when we want something to continue. Let's agree to not take any adjustments personally. Let's agree to simply cuddle together while we wait for our STI test results to come back.
If all of this freaks you out or even makes you feel just a tad nervous - you might want to TAKE THE QUIZ to find out if you have sexual shadow blocking you from letting love in.
Thanks for reading this vulnerable share - I look forward to hearing from you if you have any comments or stories of what’s worked for you in having a conscious sex talk early in relationship.