One of the Sexiest Traits Most People Don't Know [but you could start having it now]

More than eye color, a full head of hair, height, wrinkle free skin, or tight bod - the trait that actually makes a person want you is mindfulness.

Yep! Just simply being present is one of the most attractive qualities a person can exude.

It seems like a growing number of people are reporting to have ADD or ADHD - and whether it's self-diagnosed or official - I would say everyone on the planet has some level of attention deficit.

In our fast-paced, jam-packed modern day we're actually practicing to have short attention spans. Between being able to fill idol time in a grocery line with a simple glance at the phone or getting completely engrossed in watching the news where you've got the people telling you something, you can read the breaking news headline at the lower third of the screen, the stock ticker across the top, the weather in the corner, and commercial invasions - GAH! - our attention is getting more and more used to constant [and stressful] stimulation. And sadly, our attention is also getting less and less tolerant of slower, intimate kind of stimulation like talking to a real life human being. 

Bring this sense of urgency and ravenous need for entertainment that mirrors that sense of urgency into a dating setting, and the person across from you is going to feel it. For some people, it may come off as very obvious nervousness or distraction. But for others, it may be a very subtle but equally palpable energy that says, 

"Part of me is not really here."

Luckily adopting a simple mindfulness practice can actually rewire your brain and recalibrate your nervous system so that you're able to slow down, relax, take in your experience in an enjoyable way, and be received positively by others.

If you're not familiar with mindfulness, our favorite definition is by Jon Kabot-Zinn who actually coined the term. 

Mindfulness is paying attention in a particular way to the present moment - on purpose and nonjudgmentally.
— Jon Kabot-Zinn

This trait becomes especially attractive in the context of dating according to research and countless reports from our clients [and in our personal experience as well]. 

Why is that? 

Well, generally, when you show up as mindful and present, you unconsciously communicate many qualities that are attractive because these qualities imply that you would make for a healthy, long-lasting partner. 

Study after study reveals that people who practice mindfulness have better health, greater happiness, more acceptance and compassion toward people and situations, higher emotional intelligence and stronger ability to regulate their emotions. Mindfulness even has implications for how you show up in bed as well. If you are able to be present during sex - you're able to feel more pleasure, reach orgasmic states, and climax; and you'll also be attuned to your partner’s pleasure with sensual accuracy. Because being mindful means you are aware of yourself, others, and the environment around you - your date can also relax into feeling like you are a safe person to be around, solid for parenting and protecting children as well. 

On the other hand, not being mindful is a huge turn off. Studies show that even the most physically attractive people who do not have a disposition of mindfulness are not ultimately considered to be attractive as a mate. 

When you come off as aloof and distracted, this shows that you’re not fully listening. To the other person it feels like you probably don’t care. It also unconsciously indicates that you wouldn’t be able to sense and prevent potential threats in the environment. When you come across as in your head, judgmental, and/or triggered emotionally - these qualities indicate that a relationship with you will be a pain in the ass to maintain.

So what does mindfulness on a date look like?

Below we’ve created two columns to give a sense of being mindful vs. not being mindful on a date. In the “Mindful on a Date” column, we’ve also put what we’re calling the attractor factor - or the reason this mindfulness disposition might be attractive to your date. 



Creating an intention reset when I go from work to a date by taking off my work hat to show up fully with this other person. It may be as simple as taking a few breaths in the car. 

Attractor factor: I show up as real. I demonstrate a healthy ability to transition.



Going straight from work to a date keeps me speaking the way I do with clients, I’m in my head, I’ve got “to-do’s” close to the surface of my mind which may pop in and distract me, etc. 



I arrive on time or communicate if I am going to be even a minute late because I honor this person's time and feelings even though we've never met.

Attractor factor: Time management, respect, consideration, empathy

I know I'm going to be late, but I don't even think I'm going to like this person so it doesn't really matter if I'm a little late. They'll figure it out. It's no big deal.

I turn off my phone as soon as I am with the person. If I have a possible emergency call that I am expecting, I tell my date that I will have the phone on vibrate for that reason.

Attractor factor: Shows that this time of connecting is the most important thing right now.

I check my phone at random times either out of habit, because I think I'm not interested in the person, or to fill in idol time to avoid silence.

Noticing negative self-talk and deliberately choosing to soothe my nerves and self-doubt.

Attractor factor: I show up grounded and confident.

Getting caught up in negative self-talk so that I’m catching some of what they’re saying, but I’m mostly thinking “They’re too good for me.” “They think I’m fat.” “I don’t make enough money.

Noticing judgements about the other person and deliberately setting them aside for now or speaking to them directly. For instance, my date rolls their eyes when saying something about their ex, and I say: “It seems like you still feel resentment. Is that true?”

Attractor factor: Building trust, connection, and compassion."

Having my “red flag glasses” on, so that when my date rolls their eyes when saying something about their ex, and I assume that they had a shitty divorce and feel contentment toward each other STILL which means this person is bad at relationships and is a negative person in general. 

Oscillating my attention from myself to them to the environment to myself to them to the environment.

Attractor factor: Attentive and comfortable to be around. 

Losing myself by putting all my attention on the other person. This could come across as too intense [maybe even a bit creepy]. I also will lose track of my intuitive senses.

Taking moments to breathe and feel my body. This allows me to be genuinely impacted by what the person says so that I can be relating with them. So, when they say something funny - I’m able to respond with authentic laughter. 

Attractor factor: I feel genuine to my date.

I know on a cognitive level that they said something I’m supposed to laugh at, so I laugh; but it sounds fake.

When I am present to my own body and emotional experience, I am able to communicate from that place and be more vulnerable. 

For instance, when my date says that their mother died last year, I allow their experience to touch my heart; and because of that, my facial expression reflects deep empathy, I place my hand on my chest, and say, “Oh, I feel tender hearing that. How are you feeling now?”

Attractor factor: Demonstrates high emotional intelligence and empathy. 

Just focussing on asking questions and answering questions, which creates more of an interview style date. 

For instance, when my date shares of their mother’s passing, I say “OK. How long ago was that?” The other person says, “Last year.” I say, “Right. Was she sick?” And they say, “Yeah, cancer.” And I say, “So your dad’s still around?” and on and on. No relating here. Just information exchanged.

Being aware of balance in the conversation by saying, “I notice I just went off about my travels. I’d love to hear an adventure you’ve experienced.”

Attractor Factor: Shows consideration, respect, self-awareness.

Talking about myself nonstop out of nervousness or trying to prevent an awkward silence. 

When I notice that my date has had the floor for a while, I could say, “I’d love for you to ask me some questions.” 

This allows the person to become more mindful moving forward. Perhaps they were excited or nervous and didn’t even realize.

Attractor Factor: Shows respect for the other person, self-respect, direct communication, trust building.

Not speak up and go home thinking the person was an asshole and telling my friends, “All he did was talk at me the whole time.” 

Being able to maintain eye contact in a balanced way.

Attractor Factor: Eye contact shows I have a high capacity for intimacy.

Averting eyes with discomfort, looking down, getting distracted often and looking at other happenings and people when my date is speaking. 

I balance eye contact with also being able to look around and take in the environment when it feels good. 

I may even say, “Wow! Look at how the water is perfectly beaded up on those flowers.”

Attractor Factor: Responding to things I’m experiencing in the environment gives my date an understanding of other sides of me, my depth, how I think, and how I look at the world. 

I have a fixed stare or only pay attention to our conversation without being able to take in other dimensions of our experience together.  

This level of presence allows me to attune to my date. I can start to sense with surprising accuracy how they are feeling as time goes on during the date even though we just met. This allows me to sense that they have energy and are having fun, so I suggest, “Hey - want to check out this really cool spot a few blocks that way?”  

Attractor Factor: Insight into another’s internal experience and sensitivity to their needs.

When I’m not attuned to my date - I won’t be able to pick up on subtle shifts in energy, which can lead to me making up assumptions, crossing boundaries or not picking up on nonverbal cues that they’re interested in me.

I take moments to genuinely connect with the hostess, server, passersby, or whomever else may cross our path.

Attractor Factor: Demonstrates respect and a loving heart, healthy social skills. 

I’m so in my head or focussed on my date that I don’t make eye contact or attempt to connect with the server. I forget to say simple things like “hi” and “thank you.” 

I’m able to see opportunities to improvise and be playful. For instance, we’re walking down the street on a fall day, and because I’m present, I notice a pile of leaves, so I fill my arms and throw them on my date’s head. Then we go back and forth throwing leaves, flirting, having a really fun moment.

Attractor Factor: Shows creativity, humor, and spontaneity. Implies larger problem-solving capabilities in the future. 

I miss opportunities to be creative and only connect on a one-dimensional verbal level. 


Obviously this is just a few examples of how it could look because every moment on a date is an opportunity to be mindful or not.

Looking to get started on your mindfulness journey?

We recommend starting with a simple app called "Insight TImer." Every morning simply set the timer for 3 minutes and focus on your breath. When your mind wanders, return to paying attention to your breath. 

And stay tuned for an upcoming blog that describes in more detail the process, neural adaptations, and positive effects on your life. 


21 Ways to Attract True Love this Valentine's Day

21 Ways to Attract True Love this Valentine's Day

Here are some great ideas to try this Valentine's Day in order to mix it up. I know how hard it might seem that everyone is out having fun and in love with a partner but for many people it's not like that. So instead of focusing on what's not here how about creating a new experience that feels better. Not only will it be of service to others but you will create new neuro-pathways to love in your our experience. Putting your attention on what feels good for others or yourself helps prepare your garden for more love in all areas of life. Here is the article from Emily John over at the Huffington Post:

Is your sexual shadow keeping you from letting your soulmate in? Take the quiz

Is your sexual shadow keeping you from letting your soulmate in? Take the quiz

Many people won’t even put themselves out there, period, because of sex and the fears, lack of confidence and tabooness that surrounds it. Some brave souls DO put themselves out there and have lots of great qualities, but their efforts go nowhere because they’re not in vibrational alignment with their sexuality They’re not vibrationally ready for the things that come with the deeper physical intimacy of partnership.

In other words - you could be the hottest, smartest, richest, funnest, most conscious communicating fish in the sea; but if you’re vibration is wonky about sex, you might actually be resisting the partner you seek.

How to Master the Art of the Compliment to Inspire Real Connection

How to Master the Art of the Compliment to Inspire Real Connection

Compliments are an all-too-often misused attempt at casting a rod to see if they bite. It's a great idea, in theory. But here I'm gonna explain why it doesn't work and how you can make a little adjustment that's going to feel really good to you regardless of where the connection goes.

So, you're at your favorite coffee shop standing in line and behind you walks up this human who's got eyes you could dive into, a smile that's making you melt, and hair that you'd like to see in your bed tomorrow morning.

First of all - you're not gonna say all that. Second - you don't even know if they're single! But - you just can't possibly wait in this line with such proximity to an opportunity without at least trying. So what do you do?

Evolve Dating Code

Evolve Dating Code

Imagine being vulnerable enough to put your heart out there to meet someone new knowing that they would treat you exactly the way you'd want to be treated, regardless of wanting to move forward. We've interviewed hundreds of conscious, heart-centered lovers to find out what most people want in ideal modern dating etiquette. 

So, here it is - the code. The Evolve Dating Code.

The Best Online Dating Sites Review you will ever read

The Best Online Dating Sites Review you will ever read

Almost everybody dating today has used online dating sites or apps to find love. But let's face it - most people hate doing online dating for various reasons from the time it takes to the fears of weirdos and stalkers to name a few. At Evolve Dating Gurus we believe that once you are in the right frame of mind and aligned with your own love frequency, then online apps can be a great resource to attract your person. We think it can definitely be part of your 2017 vision board plan for finding new love.

To get you kick-started we wanted to bring to you a review that we think is awesome! It will save you all the time and effort of figuring out this shizz on your own. You or we could spend years doing the research, analyzation and crunching of the numbers - but why do that when the folks over at did it for us already.

"Men Should Pay" and Step by Step What To Do [Part 3 of 3]

"Men Should Pay" and Step by Step What To Do [Part 3 of 3]

No matter what your thoughts or feelings on the issue of men paying on dates, guess what? No one is right or wrong! If you're a woman who wants a guy who’s gonna take charge, open doors and pay for meals and be the old school dude that you dream about - great! If you're the type of woman who prefers a guy who offers to go dutch or wants equal contribution back and forth - awesome! Own what you want with consciousness and complete conviction, and you will attract your match with much more ease.

"Men Should Pay" and Thoughts to consider for Heterosexual Men [Part 2 of 3]

"Men Should Pay" and Thoughts to consider for Heterosexual Men [Part 2 of 3]

The question: “Should the man pay?” is like a fat, juicy pimple. As soon as it’s popped, it’s a shit show of a mess with no satisfaction. It’s a question where all kinds of people show up and wave their opinion flag whether they’re a chivalrous type, a know-it-all, a feminist, misogynist, traditionalist, or a supposed conscious couple, like us!

We are writing this in response to the many articles out there that give a black and white answer to this question that’s at least 51 shades of gray. We feel disheartened by the lack of guidance towards cultivating inner wisdom. And so here we are - writing something for men and women to consider in order to come to their own answer.

Refer your Clients to a Matchmaker: Top 10 Reasons

Refer your Clients to a Matchmaker: Top 10 Reasons

I am now a dating coach and matchmaker, but it wasn't always that way; I actually started out as a psychotherapist and before that, I was a personal trainer. As a therapist and trainer, I worked with many single clients who I came to know quite well after some time and was always thinking things like, "Man, I know someone who'd be perfect for my client!" or "I wish it was appropriate for me to help my client with their online dating profile!" Every time with my single clients, some portion of the session would be devoted to talking about the latest dating situation: Either they went on a horrible date, went on an amazing date, decided to write off dating altogether, or just expressed their deep confusion about modern dating.

How to Talk about Sex in the Conscious Dating World

How to Talk about Sex in the Conscious Dating World

My eyes slowly peel open into a blurred version of a room. Turning my head on the pillow as quietly as possible, I face towards...Fuck! Who’s that? I scrunch up my face in partial disgust but also in my efforting to dig through a substance soggy mind for literally any images of the night before. Nothing. Verrrrry sloooooowly and carefully, I slip out from the covers and look down. Shit. I’m naked. That was me a few years ago in my pre-conscious life as a not so spiritual single. Yep, there were times when I really didn’t know if I had sex. I was on something literally every single day at that point: food, alcohol, drugs, men.